Honesty is life. Sometimes you need to be honest, at other times its a must. Honestly I have lived my life with my head in the clouds for too long and I have realised its about time to depart those fluffy bullshit clouds. It might be maturity hitting me or it could be the fact I am scared of the future, either way I know that I need to sort out the norm. I love uni and wouldn’t trade in all the good times for a degree right now but at the same time I need a better job. If I can somehow find a good job that has prospect and keep up the studying then hell with it, the world is mine! (not in the sense I can conquer it, in the sense….well in some sort of sense). Right now I am having a mini panic attack, it started last night and has sort of returned. I know I think too much and need to live in the here and now but one eye must always look to the future. Sadly both of my eyes look the future whilst my body remains grounded in my room. I am not sad nor depressed, in fact I am quite happy. I had a decent conversation with a friend who told me that before we can be in a relationship, we need to work to have the strength and the ability to able to handle a relationship and feel confident about it. I know I do lack the confidence but at the same time I need to go back to being slightly aloof. Work on the things which are more important then who I will meet and how things will work out. Only that way can I effectively work on whats more important and not put my energy into shit that doesn’t help.
The other grand thought which I think on but I never remember until now is this, we can listen to a song a million times. During those million repetitions of the song, there will be countless variations of how we perceive that song at any given moment. Explain? Well for example, you might half arsed listen to a song whilst jogging or might fully focus on that same song whilst sitting. Each time the song is varied in your mind, depending on the situation and the time the song will mean one thing at one point and a different thing at another point. That’s the beauty of music, for me The Cardigans are that beauty. The lyrics and songs are just varied and amazing, certain times there just ear candy and other times they are the solution to a problem. People can suggest me a million and one bands but only certain bands can hit that bandwidth in my mind that makes me think “this is what its going to sound like when I die” or “This is how traveling through the world must sound like at times”. That’s a song can show us different things at different moments, its offers us answer at some points and comfort at other points. Music does help to heal and gives us the strength to face things, even though it is just music, words combined with instruments playing at a certain tempo with a variation of certain notes but its ability to hit home in some of us is amazing. That’s why I believe you have to keep your mind open to all kinds of music in the world and not focus on just one type of generic music and accept it as “My thing”. You blind yourself to what other cultures deem as music or what is music in other peoples eye’s or even more importantly what it can give you and how it can help you.
Apart from this nominally grammar infested ridden mistake haven of a blog, I have been fine. I am moving towards the solution of buying some type of drugs to begin to inhibit my emotions, something to block them and prevent them form surfacing at all. Maybe the time has come to build that island I dream about, an island no one can enter and no one see.
Its a scene. A scene as if tarantino had done it. In the background a song playing from the roaring 60’s. The back drop is an adult-nerds room, at 25 he has decided to dedicate his life to the art of collection. As the camera slowly flows down the bookshelf, crammed full of science fantasy book and random figures, as the camera descend upon a man himself sitting and making a joint. The music slowly builds up the crescendo as the joint finish the man begins to smoke it, like man achieving the wheel. That’s how my life has been for the past week, pretty stoned and pretty much on the fly. My university work has suffered grand woe’s but I accept its my fault, if I am to achieve the goal that I have set out then I really need to shift gears. I suppose I am going through some kind of post youth rebellion kind of way.
Since that week though I have made amends, I have actually stopped smoking and well am doing quit good. Can I last though? yes I think so, ignoring what my brain want has worked so far and I am happy. So Yeah me ^___^, I have also booked my holiday as well. I will be travelling alone which for me is a big step but something I am looking forward to, my mother on the other hand is terrified. In her mind I am somehow going to get taken hostage and then be killed. Yep, that really boosted my confidence. I am not afraid, to be honest I am actually quite excited. I hope I get to explore a lot more of the city and see more things. If not then its fine, I want to relax and check out of life for a while. I suppose I want to get away from London for a while, to enjoy another place and see how it treats me. I can put up with the shit, the daily grind and knowing something positive may never happen. I just cannot accept the fact that this is truly it, there has to be something more then this in life, there has to be something else to it. Years ago I believed that when I met someone, I would somehow understand things more and work towards something better. Firstly that never happened and secondly I am a dick for believing it would. Life is not a Hollywood love story, its sadly a bastardish realistic nightmare. The nicer you are the harder they shaft you and fuck you over, I am sure there someone ensuring that nice people have to gripe for true love. I am just being a bit bitter.
I suppose though I have to achieve something more in order to gain what I am missing, at 24 and being single all my life is not really helpful. Your confidence is shot, life is pretty much easy and everyday you have feelings which don’t know what to do. People go “your lucky, your single”, no, your lucky. You have someone who loves you, hugs and sleeps next to you. Ever walked around with a empty feeling in the middle of your chest? Its like a hole that can never be filled, you try everything, ignorance never works. This year I hit 25, yep people twenty-fucking-five and to be honest, I am not looking forward to it. In fact it scares the fucking shit out me, hell with it. Drink more alcohol and try to forget the fact of what’s going to happen. Wake up, study, earn the money and buy comic books to keep me happy ^_^.
Smile. I just let you inside for once.
I stumble across shit as if a plane exploded over a desert and littered it with its contents. People are people, they have tell tale signs and a mind that believes it can out think others. Sorry you can’t. I am not irritated nor pissed, just feel as though someone should have served me my drink by now. Its been a week or so since my last moment of utter weakness, I broke down like a machine but managed like always to accept the bitterness of life and move on. I should have stopped smoking, I haven’t. I mean seriously who gives a shit? No one important enough to say “hey man, we are concerned you are doing some serious damage to your health. If you don’t mind can you please stop?” My friends say that but it has no bearing on me, I even wanted to at one point stop, for some reason, I just can’t be asked to. I know what it is, what keeps me from fully putting my whole effort into things. Its always been the end result. Is it worth enough for me to do it.
On Sunday I made the decision to halt Project PPD, I cannot accept bullshit pictures and nor have I kept to the original plan. I wanted to take a different picture each day, I utterly failed when my pictures kept on coming from my room. It was a failure I refused to accept. Now I am going to take pictures without having to force myself to, go out and enjoy it. I am sadden that the project itself had to stop but saying that I can ill afford to disappear for a couple of hours to find the perfect shot. As for me actually using the camera, I haven’t as much. I keep on fiddling around with shots of my vinyl and lego toys, its interesting to thinker about them and try and find a good shot. I have also thought about recently purchasing a few stormtroopers/clonetroopers. They are intriguing little fuckers to take pictures of and they offer much more wider range of things to do. Apart from that my other vinyl collection is steadily growing, one of my mates introduced me to a vinyl shop, bad idea. I honestly can’t wait to go back and buy some vinyl, bring it home and blast it! I know you may think this is just bollocks, why the fuck is he telling me this? Cause its my fucking blog, If I want to tell you that yesterday I made a decision to steal a bunch of glasses then so be it.
The whole PS3 issue about credit details being stolen is causing me jokes! Sony have massively underestimated the intent of certain hackers but then again its there own fault. They shouldn’t have attempted to sue a hacker who hacked there PS3, as paying customer we have the right to mod our machines, plus why the fuck should we pay over the odds for shit? Now that our credit card details have been stolen, Sony should do something to reimburse us, we bought there console. I hope all this shit gets sorted soon but hell it is a free service. Oh well onwards and upwards people.
I was a student once. I am a student again. I will forever be a student. For now lets go with the middle one. My studies to pursue a course in history have hit the religious wall, I apologise but I cannot stand Christianity anymore. Yes its a one of the main religions but the its messed like any other religion, the word of god has taken a mishandling by man. He has taken the word and shat out what he feels is the right version of what he believes is an ideal religion. I apologise for my crankiness, after nine hours learning shit about the reformation in Christianity, I have lost mind. If your reading this and happen to be a Christian please tell me one thing, are you Catholic or Protestant? Cause if had to choose it would be neither, got to believe in God your own way man!
Today I am going to explain my love for grey clouds and windy days, when I was a child I fell in love with days that had grey skies and bitter wind blowing in. It for me was the perfect day to change your destiny or make decisions, even leave the country on a spur. As I have grown older and tried to understand my love for these days, all I know is that I still love them. Its neither here nor there, the cold wind is a reminder of your humanity, it makes you feel alive and lets you know that decision have to be made. I suppose some part of me back then wanted to grow up badly and just leave home, some part of me now wants to go back then and tell myself to continue dreaming. I am happy at were I am but would the kid back then be happy with were I am? As I am explaining days, I might as well explain Japan days.
Japan days began when I was into Japanese music big time, when all I wanted to do was go to Japan and somehow have an awesome time. Certain days in the year bring back those memories that I have associated with the weather, you still following? When they do occur, I get a profound sense that somehow I missed an opportunity, that I should have run away along time from family and just headed to Japan. I suppose I still believe that if I decided tomorrow to head to Japan, that I could actually make it, that people would help me reach one destination to the next. Once I got there though what would I do? Probably help Japan rebuild. I don’t like to look back at life, always felt that you can only look forward but sometimes I do take a sneak peak back. I remember all the dreams I use to have and how many of them I have accomplished. I am not sad about it but happy, I am attempting to become a History teacher, working hard in a job that has taught me the importance of education and I still feel like sleeping. I am going to keep this baby short, need to sleep! night night.
After endlessly tussling in my bed for sleep, I have given up and accepted its a Monday. Will the lack of sleep fuck up my day? of course, does it matter? No. That fact that I am unable to sleep is because I decided to party all night, sleep in the morning and wake up very late in the afternoon. Its fine because it was the weekend but it was not fine due to the fact it knocked on to a Monday. If you don’t understand let me explain. Sunday night is when my body clock resets back to normal, so I have to sleep like at 1am and wake up at 8am, by doing this it ensures I get excellent sleep for the rest of the week. If this doesn’t happen, well then the week turns out bad and I fuck up a lot.
So the fact that its 5:37am on Monday and I haven’t slept does not bode well for me but hey I will deal with it. This weekend was a bit crazy, the only message I have learnt from it is this, do not ever make promises. I find it very difficult to stick to promises or even follow through on them at times, its either outside interference or internal thoughts that prevent it. Sometimes I won’t want to keep the promise (I might be drunk or otherwise inhibited on something that may sway my mind to make stupid decisions), other-times Its like “man why did I say this?” The weekend really reinforced that message to me, no more promises.
I recently have begun to see an interesting pattern emerge in my life, during the week, unless I really have to, I will not leave the house. I will stay in my room and complete the task I have set myself for the week, it is only on the weekend do I bother to go out. I don’t like to leave my house often and when I do, it has to be something important such as work or meeting mates. Apart from that, I hate leaving my room for any reason, even if its to go down to the shops. I don’t enjoy going out because I am very lazy. You have to be honest right? Well there it is. I don’t like to change my clothes, I hate sorting my hair out or picking the right trainers to match my jeans. On top of that I would rather stay indoors all day, drink tea and study! Its something that has remained with me from my childhood, I don’t enjoy going out unless it is necessary. When I was a child I would stay indoors for an endless amount of time, this was either due to racism or protecting the house.
As I have grown up this has remained with me, my room (as much as I hate it!) is my sanctuary. Fuck I actually fucking wrote it. Well had to admit it sooner or later. I have spent many years trying to make my room into the perfect chilling, jamming, game-playing, internet surfing and music listening room. All I need is a fridge and en suite bathroom and I am done! It does the job for now, when I build my house I am going to put everything into a separate room. I don’t want a tv in the bedroom or my laptop next to my bed, I would love utter peace and quiet, to just sleep! For now this room is the hub of my operations, it has everything I need. From spray paints to an endless supply of reading materials.
The whole being positive thing is going good, the sun is shining and things are good. Its helped being positive about life, I don’t feel down and I actually can complete task’s. Okay I ve been a bit lazy today and haven’t finished my work but fuck it, I can get it done! Yeah I am happy though, admittedly I never thought this was me but since be told “your a too negative!” and my desire for victory has lead me down a nice but weird path. Lets see what happens and how good things get :) Oh yeah now is Wednesday and it has taken me 3 days to officially write this blog, hahahahaha, it has taken time construct a proper blog entry. No, I have had a lazy week. I love sleeping :)
As it goes, it goes, when it stops, we will completely stop. No? Fight on? Ja, Ja, Ja. I suppose the reason I have gone mental over studying is that I have faced failure too many times, trust me. The feeling you get in year 7 realising your in the bottom group of maths is one that can only shit on your confidence more, I hate maths and will continue to hate maths. Right now my aim is to kill every assignment in its own historical blood and move on, but no, moving on has become hard. Like the first time you eat chocolate, you get a taste of something good and want more, the hundred years war is becoming my new Stalingrad.
I might not have said this before but I love eastern campaign World War 2 (it demands some respect), I have read chilling accounts of what the Germans had to face. I have also read the Russian side. I will most probably buy more books about the whole damn conflict to learn more but I find myself being drawn to medieval world, its politics and little intricate bullshit politics are interesting. Yeah maybe I should shut up now, but still its fucking amazing. I think I will begin to study the Hundred Years war more in detail on the side, that way I can keep on learning whilst learning the main core of the course. It appeals to me, the politics and the failure of England to somehow unite both Crowns, its tantalising to think that if they had succeeded in uniting both crowns, what the hell would the end result have been? A Europe dominated by Anglo-French Empire, would the people of France accepted foreign rule for a long time? So many beautiful if’s and whys to be answered. Just got to learn more and more, understand things a bit better and fill my mind to the brim!
Today I also visited the British Library for the first time in my life (it has been opened since 1998, so I am about 12 years late in visiting it!) and the experience was pretty cool. A room full people and not even a sound apart from that of people rapping away on there keyboards, writing and coping texts from a collection of book’s I would love to defend till the death! The plan was to try and find a niche bit of info and I found it, hidden in probably million of books was this one that gave me the background info I needed. It was also weird because as a uni student or even a college student, I never truly bothered to do anything like this before, usually sit at home and blast some music whilst studying. The environment forced me to concentrate on the task at hand, hoping next week to get in early and get all my work done. That way I can enjoy next weekend and relax! Bullshit blog today but hey, at least I posted something!
The word of the moment is positivity, people are saying that you need to be more positive, people say I am too negative. The answer to that is simple, maybe I am. In away it has silently helped me continue to move forward, its unassuming ways and kept my hopes down. Recently though my friends have told me that my negativity shows quite often and people have been picking up on it, my response to that was “Fuck man but its who I am”. Bad, bad, bad response, either way I look at it, I am quite a negative person. Why? Growing up was shit, family was cool and parents tried there best. I think more with my heart then my mind and this makes me an emotional person, so if someone does something to hurt me, it really fucking hurts. Years of attempting to gain a harder shell have failed, so I just accepted who I am and moved on and yes I do need to be more positive but how? Take positivity pills? lick a battery, climb a mountain (If positivity is looking forward then surely climbing a mountain is positive?) Alright maybe attempt to just be generally more positive. If you do have solution please send it to me.
Like many other things this blog has taken me 3 days to write, this paragraph is another attempt to fill the cyber void which exist around the world, with my nonsensical crap! Yay, go me! Since writing the first paragraph I have realised I have once again begun to procrastinate, its like a disease to be honest, once it takes hold you cannot stop it! LoL no you can, just need to work harder at trying to complete my work and keep at it. At the same time my picture per day has taken a slight setback, I do take the images but I cannot be bothered enough to post them everyday. Its a tedious task to everyday put it up, you know that’s just me being lazy, it doesn’t take that long actually. Will update my whole thing tomorrow and apologise to the people who may or may not check out the photo’s, like this blog, does anyone read it? Who truly knows. Got to keep on writing it though because its an excellent way to keep my handwriting skill up and also learn how to blog properly. Hopefully someone stumbles across it one day!
I have also recently bought a nice technics deck 1210mk5, I love it! Vinyl (not Urban Vinyl) sounds beautiful, it has also helped me to study more. You must be sitting there and thinking, how the hell does that work? Well with vinyl you cannot easily change the song or fast forward (well you can but might cause damage to the vinyl, which is a no, no, in my books!), this forces me to study and listen the whole vinyl before changing side. This means I am less distracted and less inclined to use my laptop, which was my main source of music and distraction. I am also loving the fact that now I can actually go into vinyl shops and buy some of my favourite music on vinyl and listen to the crackle of it! Yeah man, positive of what! My studying has also gone into a second notch, got to work harder, faster and quicker to ensure that my work is at the highest grade, I just can’t accept grades lower than a certain amount. You have to work hard to achieve the best you can and that’s what I want. So my friends, this is to me, the future and working hard. Take away maestro.
Bored, tired and a bit lazy, that the mood of today. Work on Friday night was fun, at one point the Rocky 4 soundtrack was making me work faster. It does, music somehow makes you work quicker and at other times helps you through training. Rocky soundtrack has to be up there amongst one of the best to train to, that and also “Robert Miles - Children”, which is still an awesome track. Recently I decided to listen to MF Doom again and like his name he delivered, his lyrics and albums are pretty fucking good. I would recommend MM Food the album before listening to the Danger Doom, its not that the Danger Doom album is bad, its just you got to listen to an album produced by the man himself! It with any band I suppose, listen to the first album and then work your way towards the latest ones, that way at least you get hear them properly and see if you like there music. Well that’s what I like to do anyway, that way I get a proper understanding of the band, hence why the cardigans rock!
Apart from working to Rocky Soundtrack and studying, my mind has been thinking about if I should or shouldn’t go on Holiday. Its not that I don’t want to but the thing is I have no fucking clue were to go and why I should go there. Exit Festival last year was fun but this year some part of me doesn’t really want to go on holiday, it wants to continue the cycle of work and studying. I also don’t think I need a holiday, I am not very stressed, nor do I feel like travelling to another country. I don’t know why, maybe the money bug bit me and I am becoming a tight pocketed bastard or maybe its the fact that I am going to be 25……lets say no more. Either way need to decide pretty soon if i do, or do not want to go on holiday, if I don’t then fuck it need to decide. Indecision is a bitch of a feeling but hell it exists. Studying has got to the point were and recite nearly everything I have learnt, I understand the text, know what they are attempting to communicate to me but still, its just trivial. Plus one other thing, how comes in 1400 a heir to the throne could so easily topple the crown but nowadays we have a monarch who doesn’t want to let go of it? Seriously? By the time Prince Charles becomes king he will be an old man, pass the damn line of succession onto Prince William and let him lead this monarchy!
Operation Kubrick has also gone into production, recently met this guy on flickr and he has an amazing photo collection of his kubrick and his pictures are seriously good. I aspire to produce images like his, you know like you get books that show graffiti from around the world? well maybe make one of all the different kubricks collectors from around the world and there favourite kubricks and some images of them posing with them or there favourites shots of them! and breath. I am growing my collection so maybe I can make a photo story of them, I want them to go to war with the Qee Bears over something trivial like shelf space. I need to begin to write some ideas down and also draw down my ideas of how I am going to wrap someone’s birthday present up. Yesh, yesh I also wrap up birthday present in a certain way. Its enjoyable to feel the look of happiness on someone’s face!
I have spent 10 hours stacking shelves, only for customers, lazy co-workers and kids to fuck up. In theory, I have spent 10 hours pointlessly, there was no fucking point in what I have done because the end result does not yield anything positive but things which are negative. I lost weight, my mind is overworked from thinking about a simple task as stacking a shelve with products to the complications of what is quicker to put onto the damn shelves, yes people there has to be a fucking strategy to the whole damn thing! My mind has been revolving around an idea, I am a negative fucker (you know this by now). I hate my job, I hate my life and I hate the fact that I have made zero impact on anything. Hence why I want to write a comic about a superhero that embodies everything about me, a negative bastard who has felt a hollywoodesque amount of pain. This guy, my guy, will be the one hero who’s life is a total shitbag of bullshit, I mean his past will be littered with crap that makes him an hero. I am going to start writing either tonight, now, or tomorrow.
What does is take to be a hero? A costume, the ability to kick ass at a degree level of martial arts or simply helping those in need with what ever you got. I am a believer that as humans we have the ability to shun our need to kill and resort to anger and become creatures of selfless something (can’t think of a word that would somehow make that sentence even more awesome). I work and do what I do because I simply can, if I can make someone happy then why shouldn’t I? (I would like to add at this point that I have never ever done this to make my family happy, but that’s a blog for another time) The answer that me is nothing, there is nothing that stops me. I do it because I can, I work because my body can, I do stupid things because I want to learn from those stupid things. A hero isn’t someone who has a super ability, its someone who uses his resources, his body and his heart to help others who maybe be less fortunate. Even if its in the smallest and most unnoticeable way, its something that would go a long way. I believe in this dearly, to me its an important principle in my life. Its also something that fucking continuously destroys me.
Oh yeah didn’t see that did you, one minute you like “woah this guy right man” and then your like “say whaaaaaat?”. You see I do things because I can and will continue to do them but one part of me continues to say “no one truly cares man”, my mind, as a child my mum ensured we brought up spiritually. The basics never hurt anyone, live a full life and be sure to remember that your sole purpose is to die and be united with god. Basically your life is pointless but you are here to control your mind, find nirvana and then die peacefully before meeting god and merging with him. You can pretty much see why I am as fucked as I am, its a pretty much a ender scenario, there is no heaven people. No joys or joys, its pretty much “hi god and good bye identity” Its freaks the fuck out of me, no way man. I am going to die (or find immortality, always with the fucking immortality, I swear if I do find it, I will be alone) and then BAM, your are one with god. I respect the guy and do believe something exist but I am not merging with you, as great as you are no fricking way is my soul becoming part of yours. My ass is staying firmly outside this little party! What kills me is my mind, my control parameters, my spirituality. I hate hurting people even though I know I can, I hate doing shit that has karmic revenge factors involved, even though I can. You get the gist.
I can become an evil bastard and dress up in lowbat jeans and walk around like batty man but that’s not me. I have major anger issues that have recently begun to surface, I get pissed of when someone says something to me a certain tone. I get angered when someone demands that I do a task, i get really pissed when someone just ask me a question. The responses are usually quick, pretty fucking rude and to the damn point (thank you dad) now getting back to the major point of why I being nice destroys me is simple. I truly believe deep down that people do not give a flying fuck, some do and when they do it makes me happy, when people don’t, well basically its like:
Be blunt bastard and destroy them, rip them to bits and leave what they believe in tatters, fuck piss on it to reinforce the goddamn message you are giving. (That’s what the song means to me) Okay tiredness is hitting me like a brickwall and my miso soup is nearly ready. All I am trying to say is this, I do not want to be my dad.
Its 2:19 am, its an important fact, today is Thursday. Tonight I must work for ten hours, for now I must cover up the fact how my outburst. I will admit at times I do explode and I do need to write things down, its a good thing from the outside point of view from mine not so. It shows weakness and I hate that, I view it as a hero having a weak point. Mine the ability to break down, fix myself up and continue. I do because I must, each moment spent in self pity takes me further away from my goal of world domination, I mean becoming a history teacher. So why did it occur, it was because I simply over thought and had enough.
On the good side, I have managed to stick to my picture per day project as for some others I have the ideas but need to implement them. Education is only thing that’s stopping me, learning about 14th century France is taking its gradual toll, as interesting as it is, I keep on finding that I have to research more and more. I don’t mind that so much because it build a more clearer picture but the fact remains in my mind, “I am really learning enough history?” I suppose history fits in two groups, general and expertly acute like looking at an ant through a microscope. My forte, as I would put it (hah!), is the Eastern Campaign from 1941 to 1945. The battles I have read and researched are just amazing, like Maistre said you have to look at history from the soldiers point of view not from the overall neaten version we get. This means accounts of soldiers and commanders on the battlefield, they are a chilling a compelling tale. It fascinates me to end how in 1941 the Germans had superiority and were in suburbs of Moscow but still managed to get defeated to the point that Germany lost everything. Its just amazing, that the Russians fought from the brink of loss to an amazing victory.
I believe that you need an “Forte” (it sounds to pretentious and not me, it sounds rich), hence why I chose this, Russia amazes me. Communism had me as a kid, I believed that it could work, well until Isaiah Berlin came and said “man open your eyes”, liberty and freedom are everything. Communism doesn’t give you freedom but it works towards something, which can be positive due to leadership or not. A few back I wrote a very disjointed blog which I have deleted since then, I deleted it because the ideas were frankly all over the place. I have to go back to it though, if we are truly free then why are institutions like banks given the ability to to control how the economy functions and well pretty much fuck are lives up. We aren’t free, you know it, I know it and he knows it (yes evil government official, I know you are looking at this) so why aren’t we doing anything against it? because it has made a society which gets what it needs without revolting. Its an irritating fact which I suppose no one really thinks about, the average man cares only about providing for his family and surviving. No one has the time to fight for something that may or may not provide him with a better life, realism is suppose in away, if it ain’t broke why replace it.
Yeah so as you guessed I did delete a blog, I know an honesty needs to exist between with me and you. Its difficult, I am attempting to let you into my inner thoughts but the problem is I also have a journal, so in away what at times should be going here is going there. Well you know, my projects are flowing as you can see of my site (if you are viewing this on the site then kudos to you!), I just need to continue and keep up with this. Wait, wait, wait, I just used an excuse to side step the reason why I don’t blog so much, oh well.
I am waiting. Waiting for my noodles to cook. I am also waiting to eat my cookie. Now I have taken a chunk out of it. My tired battered body is exhausted from a lack of sleep and a lack coordination, yes ladies and gentlemen my mind has gone overboard! Let me begin from a point people can understand. I have panic attacks, get depressed and generally lose focus on the point of my life. Like the last incoherent post on the discussion of liberty and decline of human civilisation, I can at times just simply lose the focus living. Is it money? Nope! Making my standard of living better? Nope! Being there for my friends? It was! Being a bad ass merc who has killed 6 people due to the fact they needed to die? Hell yeah (Alright that’s a lie). My panic attacks stem from the facts then my thinking gathers pace and facts are laid bare my brain has a massive panic attack and begins to run amok. I generally know how to control it, calm myself down and reassure my panic stricken ass all is fine. It shouldn’t happen but it does, I can’t help it and even though I try to remain an uber positive cunt with flowers in my hand skipping through a glade, I can’t.
One day it will either sort itself out or kill me. I hope its not death. So why do i feel depressed at times? have panic attacks? feel that negativity is like a friend that is walking with with through life. My outlook is never bleak, it just realistic. What do i work for? nothing! I work because I can, because I have the ability to because I can say because as many times as i fucking want :P I am in a nonsensical mood right now, I can’t even take myself seriously. I will be fine in a little while, all I need is proper rest, a lot of food and avoidance therapy, run away from your problems and never face them! No I can’t do that. Look at 24 some part of brain realises your going to hit 25, at that point you shit your pants and think “fuck, 25 and what have I done?” the answer that stares you blank in the face, fuck all. Another panic attack has been set off again, last year I said something to a friend, at some points I hope it would come true and others not. I said to her “I hope I never make it to 25”. Death the one thing that has revolved in mind since I understood it!
Avoidance Parry! Quitting the certain substance that ruled my life for ages has been causing me major issues, its fucking been killing me. Sleep has been disrupted, my ability to stop thinking in overdrive. I knew I had to stop, in order to further myself as a human, now I am asking myself why? I am losing all hope, sitting on a sinking ship, drinking a beer and asking all the yelling people to shut the fuck up. Well going to enjoy the ride and depressive commodity I am, Welcome to my Empire of Depression.
I decided to begin studying the second year of my open university course, unlike the first year the second year has a much higher learning gradient. It seems interesting, it also seems fun and the word seem is the sticking point. I enjoy history a lot, I find it mass of interest, it appeals to me because its history. Its other peoples decisions and moves, there decision which either lead to glory or failure. At the moment I am studying history from the 1400, in particular a part of the hundred year war were the war shifted from British momentum to French. Its partially boring and interesting, boring parts are the accounts of Henry V walking into Paris to be greeted by politicians from France/England. I am sorry but that is fucking boring, even though it is a momentous moment, its boring as fuck.
That is worrying, I find other historical moments equally boring, WW1 is just a mass of boredom. I know millions died, thousand butchered in mere moments on the bloody fields of the Somme, I respect that fact. It’s boring for me because it was non moving war. Its worrying because as a teacher I am going to have to teach this to school kids, how the hell will I do that if I can’t be bothered to learn that history? Ummmmmm by bribing them, no, I am going to have to learn it. As boring as it is, I need to learn it, so I need to bite the historical bullet and learn it! I have also been trying to stop moaning (if a certain greek lady is reading this, your point blank style “quit moaning” remarks got to me :P), I don’t know how its going because I totally cannot differentiate between moaning and telling people things. Example have I moaned on this blog? (okay maybe about that pictures in the last blog post) if I have I think I need to know about it.
Last year I vowed to improve as a person, moaning had to die. So I have tried to stop that shit, so far its going okay. I have also been trying to let shit go, like wanting to destroy a certain somebody, its only by doing this I can mature. I am sort of enjoying the feeling that I am going to be 25, going to be a proper adult. In light of this my mind has been going overboard on certain things, job, education, marriage (oh yeah 25 means i got 3 year left to get married!) and money. I want to say one thing, I firmly am against money but like i said and keep on saying in this society you need it to survive because it provides a bullshit security. I’ve got plans, secret plans which I need to implement to secure a brighter bullshit future :)
End of log.
Day 22. My lungs are shattered from coughing. My left Kidney has decided to join in the pain. My body has decided to pay me back for the years of abuse. I thank you! I also say fuck you. I am sorry people but I am a very self destructive entity, I believe that my body makes it own decision without input from my mind (Like failing to destroy a cold!) and making me suffer. So I am going to do reverse destruction, you don’t want to get better fine. I will smoke and destroy my lungs. I know your sitting there and thinking “what a fucking idiot!” but you must understand one thing. Sometimes this kind of shit works and I do get better.
My picture per day project is suffering, I am pissed at the lack of decent photos which I am able to take. Yeah some of the images are good but me being the perfectionist bastard that I am, I am unable to accept some of the images. This lack of what i think is proper photography like a grating effect of my battered mind (headache galore at the moment!), maybe I should be less hard on myself? I would be if my culture allowed me to be, for a moment let me go of the point and explain. I am a Sikh, I am a very un-religious Sikh but what flows through my blood is a set of ideals that I must stick to. These ideals and like principles and central points that govern my life, I am know I am not free but breaking these ideals time to time lets me see the other side of life.
So how does this relate to perfection? My culture (the sikh culture and asian culture) demands us to accomplish things by a certain age and do it with the best standard, so for example when I came home with a B, the reply wasen’t “well done son”, it was “Why didn’t you get an A?” Its perfection, to achieve the best we can. This flaw (its a major bitch of a flaw) at times inhibits me, If I can’t do a job properly then I won’t do it (my dad’s thinking). These principles of perfection bollocks prevents me from accepting some images, for example Image number 02.01.2011. Come on! for fuck sake I could have taken a better image! See my problem.
Once I get better I promise myself to travel wide and far to search for the better image, that I can guarantee you :) Apart from that I realised the tube is the best place to read a book, trust me pick a decent book and read as you travel. You zone out of the journey and arrive at your destination in a matter of no time! Apart from that may and assassin break into my room and kill my lungs.
This past week has been tough, fighting illness attempting to get stronger and well enough to do things again. So far its been okay, I’ve over come my illness but passed it on to the rest of the family which wasn’t good. I have also managed to go into work and bust a lung attempting to work whilst being so weak, I have lost too much weight. Its at the point were my jeans are hanging of my hips, its not good but my loss of appetite is to blame.
I will eat more once this flu has totally left my system, at the moment it is causing havoc with its residual lingering around. I have also decided to stop drinking alcohol, its something that will be a true test of my determination this year but it has to end. It has lead to skin problems and the destruction of my immune system which has made me into a weak fragile man. I know it’s going to shock people but to be honest fuck them, I need to feel good in my life and this is the way. Maybe I will drink one day but for now no more!
I realised this week that I do have an idol in my life, I am not the type of person to look up to someone else. I have always felt that when you do that you have to live up to there standards and rise to the challenge like Rocky. My idol doesn’t demand such things but his wisdom and knowledge astound me, his words are like poetry and his vision amazing. Isaiah Berlin is my idol. His essays on liberty and 6 enemies of freedom are opening my once closed eye’s to what freedom truly is. I am enjoying learning about it and realising that our life isn’t truly free at times.
As being part of a family my values have been passed down to me by my parents, my way of living thinking genetically similar to them. But am I truly free? No, as being in part of a family my freedom is limited because I live under my parents roof. Its their rules that I have to adhere to, their laws and way of thinking. True freedom will come when I own my property, then my laws will exist. Its difficult to describe what true freedom is, to some extent I am free in this house to do what I please, in another way I am not. Its interesting to think about these things.
6 days into the New Year, the fanfare and excitement of the new year dead, like the rest of masses I went back to work. As I headed to work I was being accompanied by a certain life form (not the word I am after but it will have to do), this certain mystery guest in my body has made a decision to ruin the honeymoon period of a new year. Who is this guest? (you know by now) H1N1 Flu, this little motherfucking parasite has caused me great strife! I do not like to be incapacitated in any capacity.
I hate being incapacitated because it prevents me from doing things, I have had to hand over Operation PPD-365 to my brother and lets just say that some of his pictures are questionable. The upside? There are no upsides, just pain, more pain and even more pain! I am glad though that it has occurred in the beginning of the year, it gives my body the chance to get rid of this virus now rather then later. It also shows me that my immune system has gone pretty shitty, smoking and a lack of healthy eating has caused this.
To some of you this blog may seem mundane, I can understand that. Its thoughts, its me talking about my projects, my illness and other things. To me it is important, even if no one reads this and write blog after blog for a year, it is worth it. The power of words cannot be underestimated and nor can one persons life. I am doing this because in one sense it forcibly removes me from my comfort zone, that is and was the plan. By writing these blogs I can chart how things have gone throughout the year.
If someone is reading this, I hope you enjoy it.
The Royal Mail will forever have problems, if it isn’t back log its people that work there stealing other peoples mail. If the mail does manage to arrive it is either severely battered from the trauma of being in the hands of the Royal Mail. Either way you look at it your screwed! I have been waiting for my Yotsubato calender patiently hoping that the Royal Mail may just deliver it before January is over. The more I wait, the more I think that the calender is lost in world of mail, in some part of the process of getting delivered it lost out. In fact a lot rest on the calender.
I have never bought nor owned a calender before, the simple reason was due to every phone, tv and computer having one there wouldn’t be no need. This year though I bought one due to necessity, I have essay deadlines which I need to clearly mark out. I also need to plan holidays around those deadlines and need a clear reminder of when they are, so i bought a calender to help me. Since its not here I am a bit stuffed, someone is probably saying why don’t you write the dates down and then mark them later on? I don’t work like that, I like to do things properly. Its one of my downfalls that will one day surely lead to my demise but I can live with it.
So far all of my projects are going good, Operation PPD-365 is going okay. The picture so far have been in and around my area/room, the reason for that is that the cold and lack of me wanting to travel are not allowing me to hunt down some spectacular shots. I hope soon though I will be able to travel a bit further afield and take some more interesting shot’s, I am enjoying the basic of photography. Its something that I never tried before, its fun to try and get the perfect picture which you feel is right. I have also decided to document another project. I want to add some picture that mean something to me in my room, at first I thought it would be my bland wardrobe.
I decided against putting them there, instead I have chosen a part of my room which is average. I had a few comic books that I have stuck up on the wall (yes they were in comic book bags), I didn’t like the way it looked so I removed the comic books and have decided to stick some images I have found from the Internet up instead. I am hoping if it looks good that I can do the same to a few other areas in my room! So far I have only put up four Images.
I am using my printer to print the images then lamenting them, I know it seems like a lot of work but its worth it. It means if I decide to switch them around I can easily, lamentation also makes picture’s slightly indestructible! All I am waiting for is my 50cm Non Slip ruler and then I can finish this small project!