Boris Singh

“Your intergalatic glory ends here. me and six are ready for you legions”

Honesty is life. Sometimes you need to be honest, at other times its a must. Honestly I have lived my life with my head in the clouds for too long and I have realised its about time to depart those fluffy bullshit clouds. It might be maturity hitting me or it could be the fact I am scared of the future, either way I know that I need to sort out the norm. I love uni and wouldn’t trade in all the good times for a degree right now but at the same time I need a better job. If I can somehow find a good job that has prospect and keep up the studying then hell with it, the world is mine! (not in the sense I can conquer it, in the sense….well in some sort of sense). Right now I am having a mini panic attack, it started last night and has sort of returned. I know I think too much and need to live in the here and now but one eye must always look to the future. Sadly both of my eyes look the future whilst my body remains grounded in my room. I am not sad nor depressed, in fact I am quite happy. I had a decent conversation with a friend who told me that before we can be in a relationship, we need to work to have the strength and the ability to able to handle a relationship and feel confident about it. I know I do lack the confidence but at the same time I need to go back to being slightly aloof. Work on the things which are more important then who I will meet and how things will work out. Only that way can I effectively work on whats more important and not put my energy into shit that doesn’t help.

The other grand thought which I think on but I never remember until now is this, we can listen to a song a million times. During those million repetitions of the song, there will be countless variations of how we perceive that song at any given moment. Explain? Well for example, you might half arsed listen to a song whilst jogging or might fully focus on that same song whilst sitting. Each time the song is varied in your mind, depending on the situation and the time the song will mean one thing at one point and a different thing at another point. That’s the beauty of music, for me The Cardigans are that beauty. The lyrics and songs are just varied and amazing, certain times there just ear candy and other times they are the solution to a problem. People can suggest me a million and one bands but only certain bands can hit that bandwidth in my mind that makes me think “this is what its going to sound like when I die” or “This is how traveling through the world must sound like at times”. That’s a song can show us different things at different moments, its offers us answer at some points and comfort at other points. Music does help to heal and gives us the strength to face things, even though it is just music, words combined with instruments playing at a certain tempo with a variation of certain notes but its ability to hit home in some of us is amazing. That’s why I believe you have to keep your mind open to all kinds of music in the world and not focus on just one type of generic music and accept it as “My thing”. You blind yourself to what other cultures deem as music or what is music in other peoples eye’s or even more importantly what it can give you and how it can help you.

Apart from this nominally grammar infested ridden mistake haven of a blog, I have been fine. I am moving towards the solution of buying some type of drugs to begin to inhibit my emotions, something to block them and prevent them form surfacing at all. Maybe the time has come to build that island I dream about, an island no one can enter and no one see.

“It was that eiree silence which shattered our minds, not the fear in our mind, but that silence”

Its a scene. A scene as if tarantino had done it. In the background a song playing from the roaring 60’s. The back drop is an adult-nerds room, at 25 he has decided to dedicate his life to the art of collection. As the camera slowly flows down the bookshelf, crammed full of science fantasy book and random figures, as the camera descend upon a man himself sitting and making a joint. The music slowly builds up the crescendo as the joint finish the man begins to smoke it, like man achieving the wheel. That’s how my life has been for the past week, pretty stoned and pretty much on the fly. My university work has suffered grand woe’s but I accept its my fault, if I am to achieve the goal that I have set out then I really need to shift gears. I suppose I am going through some kind of post youth rebellion kind of way.

Since that week though I have made amends, I have actually stopped smoking and well am doing quit good. Can I last though? yes I think so, ignoring what my brain want has worked so far and I am happy. So Yeah me ^___^, I have also booked my holiday as well. I will be travelling alone which for me is a big step but something I am looking forward to, my mother on the other hand is terrified. In her mind I am somehow going to get taken hostage and then be killed. Yep, that really boosted my confidence. I am not afraid, to be honest I am actually quite excited. I hope I get to explore a lot more of the city and see more things. If not then its fine, I want to relax and check out of life for a while. I suppose I want to get away from London for a while, to enjoy another place and see how it treats me. I can put up with the shit, the daily grind and knowing something positive may never happen. I just cannot accept the fact that this is truly it, there has to be something more then this in life, there has to be something else to it. Years ago I believed that when I met someone, I would somehow understand things more and work towards something better. Firstly that never happened and secondly I am a dick for believing it would. Life is not a Hollywood love story, its sadly a bastardish realistic nightmare. The nicer you are the harder they shaft you and fuck you over, I am sure there someone ensuring that nice people have to gripe for true love. I am just being a bit bitter.

I suppose though I have to achieve something more in order to gain what I am missing, at 24 and being single all my life is not really helpful. Your confidence is shot, life is pretty much easy and everyday you have feelings which don’t know what to do. People go “your lucky, your single”, no, your lucky. You have someone who loves you, hugs and sleeps next to you. Ever walked around with a empty feeling in the middle of your chest? Its like a hole that can never be filled, you try everything, ignorance never works. This year I hit 25, yep people twenty-fucking-five and to be honest, I am not looking forward to it. In fact it scares the fucking shit out me, hell with it. Drink more alcohol and try to forget the fact of what’s going to happen. Wake up, study, earn the money and buy comic books to keep me happy ^_^.

Smile. I just let you inside for once.

“So what? You’ve managed to capture me, doesn’t mean I am going to tell you shit!”

I stumble across shit as if a plane exploded over a desert and littered it with its contents. People are people, they have tell tale signs and a mind that believes it can out think others. Sorry you can’t. I am not irritated nor pissed, just feel as though someone should have served me my drink by now. Its been a week or so since my last moment of utter weakness, I broke down like a machine but managed like always to accept the bitterness of life and move on. I should have stopped smoking, I haven’t. I mean seriously who gives a shit? No one important enough to say “hey man, we are concerned you are doing some serious damage to your health. If you don’t mind can you please stop?” My friends say that but it has no bearing on me, I even wanted to at one point stop, for some reason, I just can’t be asked to. I know what it is, what keeps me from fully putting my whole effort into things. Its always been the end result. Is it worth enough for me to do it.

On Sunday I made the decision to halt Project PPD, I cannot accept bullshit pictures and nor have I kept to the original plan. I wanted to take a different picture each day, I utterly failed when my pictures kept on coming from my room. It was a failure I refused to accept. Now I am going to take pictures without having to force myself to, go out and enjoy it. I am sadden that the project itself had to stop but saying that I can ill afford to disappear for a couple of hours to find the perfect shot. As for me actually using the camera, I haven’t as much. I keep on fiddling around with shots of my vinyl and lego toys, its interesting to thinker about them and try and find a good shot. I have also thought about recently purchasing a few stormtroopers/clonetroopers. They are intriguing little fuckers to take pictures of and they offer much more wider range of things to do. Apart from that my other vinyl collection is steadily growing, one of my mates introduced me to a vinyl shop, bad idea. I honestly can’t wait to go back and buy some vinyl, bring it home and blast it! I know you may think this is just bollocks, why the fuck is he telling me this? Cause its my fucking blog, If I want to tell you that yesterday I made a decision to steal a bunch of glasses then so be it.

The whole PS3 issue about credit details being stolen is causing me jokes! Sony have massively underestimated the intent of certain hackers but then again its there own fault. They shouldn’t have attempted to sue a hacker who hacked there PS3, as paying customer we have the right to mod our machines, plus why the fuck should we pay over the odds for shit? Now that our credit card details have been stolen, Sony should do something to reimburse us, we bought there console. I hope all this shit gets sorted soon but hell it is a free service. Oh well onwards and upwards people.

“Destiny is in that fucking basket, do you want it? well do yah?”

I was a student once. I am a student again. I will forever be a student. For now lets go with the middle one. My studies to pursue a course in history have hit the religious wall, I apologise but I cannot stand Christianity anymore. Yes its a one of the main religions but the its messed like any other religion, the word of god has taken a mishandling by man. He has taken the word and shat out what he feels is the right version of what he believes is an ideal religion. I apologise for my crankiness, after nine hours learning shit about the reformation in Christianity, I have lost mind. If your reading this and happen to be a Christian please tell me one thing, are you Catholic or Protestant? Cause if had to choose it would be neither, got to believe in God your own way man!

Today I am going to explain my love for grey clouds and windy days, when I was a child I fell in love with days that had grey skies and bitter wind blowing in. It for me was the perfect day to change your destiny or make decisions, even leave the country on a spur. As I have grown older and tried to understand my love for these days, all I know is that I still love them. Its neither here nor there, the cold wind is a reminder of your humanity, it makes you feel alive and lets you know that decision have to be made. I suppose some part of me back then wanted to grow up badly and just leave home, some part of me now wants to go back then and tell myself to continue dreaming. I am happy at were I am but would the kid back then be happy with were I am? As I am explaining days, I might as well explain Japan days.

Japan days began when I was into Japanese music big time, when all I wanted to do was go to Japan and somehow have an awesome time. Certain days in the year bring back those memories that I have associated with the weather, you still following? When they do occur, I get a profound sense that somehow I missed an opportunity, that I should have run away along time from family and just headed to Japan. I suppose I still believe that if I decided tomorrow to head to Japan, that I could actually make it, that people would help me reach one destination to the next. Once I got there though what would I do? Probably help Japan rebuild. I don’t like to look back at life, always felt that you can only look forward but sometimes I do take a sneak peak back. I remember all the dreams I use to have and how many of them I have accomplished. I am not sad about it but happy, I am attempting to become a History teacher, working hard in a job that has taught me the importance of education and I still feel like sleeping. I am going to keep this baby short, need to sleep! night night.

“Resume Operation: Attempted Sleep”

After endlessly tussling in my bed for sleep, I have given up and accepted its a Monday. Will the lack of sleep fuck up my day? of course, does it matter? No. That fact that I am unable to sleep is because I decided to party all night, sleep in the morning and wake up very late in the afternoon. Its fine because it was the weekend but it was not fine due to the fact it knocked on to a Monday. If you don’t understand let me explain. Sunday night is when my body clock resets back to normal, so I have to sleep like at 1am and wake up at 8am, by doing this it ensures I get excellent sleep for the rest of the week. If this doesn’t happen, well then the week turns out bad and I fuck up a lot.

So the fact that its 5:37am on Monday and I haven’t slept does not bode well for me but hey I will deal with it. This weekend was a bit crazy, the only message I have learnt from it is this, do not ever make promises. I find it very difficult to stick to promises or even follow through on them at times, its either outside interference or internal thoughts that prevent it. Sometimes I won’t want to keep the promise (I might be drunk or otherwise inhibited on something that may sway my mind to make stupid decisions), other-times Its like “man why did I say this?” The weekend really reinforced that message to me, no more promises.

I recently have begun to see an interesting pattern emerge in my life, during the week, unless I really have to, I will not leave the house. I will stay in my room and complete the task I have set myself for the week, it is only on the weekend do I bother to go out. I don’t like to leave my house often and when I do, it has to be something important such as work or meeting mates. Apart from that, I hate leaving my room for any reason, even if its to go down to the shops. I don’t enjoy going out because I am very lazy. You have to be honest right? Well there it is. I don’t like to change my clothes, I hate sorting my hair out or picking the right trainers to match my jeans. On top of that I would rather stay indoors all day, drink tea and study! Its something that has remained with me from my childhood, I don’t enjoy going out unless it is necessary. When I was a child I would stay indoors for an endless amount of time, this was either due to racism or protecting the house.

As I have grown up this has remained with me, my room (as much as I hate it!) is my sanctuary. Fuck I actually fucking wrote it. Well had to admit it sooner or later. I have spent many years trying to make my room into the perfect chilling, jamming, game-playing, internet surfing and music listening room. All I need is a fridge and en suite bathroom and I am done! It does the job for now, when I build my house I am going to put everything into a separate room. I don’t want a tv in the bedroom or my laptop next to my bed, I would love utter peace and quiet, to just sleep! For now this room is the hub of my operations, it has everything I need. From spray paints to an endless supply of reading materials.

The whole being positive thing is going good, the sun is shining and things are good. Its helped being positive about life, I don’t feel down and I actually can complete task’s. Okay I ve been a bit lazy today and haven’t finished my work but fuck it, I can get it done! Yeah I am happy though, admittedly I never thought this was me but since be told “your a too negative!” and my desire for victory has lead me down a nice but weird path. Lets see what happens and how good things get :) Oh yeah now is Wednesday and it has taken me 3 days to officially write this blog, hahahahaha, it has taken time construct a proper blog entry. No, I have had a lazy week. I love sleeping :)

“So what now? We have the trade agreement and a fucking imperial inquisitor onboard”

As it goes, it goes, when it stops, we will completely stop. No? Fight on? Ja, Ja, Ja. I suppose the reason I have gone mental over studying is that I have faced failure too many times, trust me. The feeling you get in year 7 realising your in the bottom group of maths is one that can only shit on your confidence more, I hate maths and will continue to hate maths. Right now my aim is to kill every assignment in its own historical blood and move on, but no, moving on has become hard. Like the first time you eat chocolate, you get a taste of something good and want more, the hundred years war is becoming my new Stalingrad.

I might not have said this before but I love eastern campaign World War 2 (it demands some respect), I have read chilling accounts of what the Germans had to face. I have also read the Russian side. I will most probably buy more books about the whole damn conflict to learn more but I find myself being drawn to medieval world, its politics and little intricate bullshit politics are interesting. Yeah maybe I should shut up now, but still its fucking amazing. I think I will begin to study the Hundred Years war more in detail on the side, that way I can keep on learning whilst learning the main core of the course. It appeals to me, the politics and the failure of England to somehow unite both Crowns, its tantalising to think that if they had succeeded in uniting both crowns, what the hell would the end result have been? A Europe dominated by Anglo-French Empire, would the people of France accepted foreign rule for a long time? So many beautiful if’s and whys to be answered. Just got to learn more and more, understand things a bit better and fill my mind to the brim!

Today I also visited the British Library for the first time in my life (it has been opened since 1998, so I am about 12 years late in visiting it!) and the experience was pretty cool. A room full people and not even a sound apart from that of people rapping away on there keyboards, writing and coping texts from a collection of book’s I would love to defend till the death! The plan was to try and find a niche bit of info and I found it, hidden in probably million of books was this one that gave me the background info I needed. It was also weird because as a uni student or even a college student, I never truly bothered to do anything like this before, usually sit at home and blast some music whilst studying. The environment forced me to concentrate on the task at hand, hoping next week to get in early and get all my work done. That way I can enjoy next weekend and relax! Bullshit blog today but hey, at least I posted something!

“Its a question of wanting to do better, not sacrificing your soul”

The word of the moment is positivity, people are saying that you need to be more positive, people say I am too negative. The answer to that is simple, maybe I am. In away it has silently helped me continue to move forward, its unassuming ways and kept my hopes down. Recently though my friends have told me that my negativity shows quite often and people have been picking up on it, my response to that was “Fuck man but its who I am”. Bad, bad, bad response, either way I look at it, I am quite a negative person. Why? Growing up was shit, family was cool and parents tried there best. I think more with my heart then my mind and this makes me an emotional person, so if someone does something to hurt me, it really fucking hurts. Years of attempting to gain a harder shell have failed, so I just accepted who I am and moved on and yes I do need to be more positive but how? Take positivity pills? lick a battery, climb a mountain (If positivity is looking forward then surely climbing a mountain is positive?) Alright maybe attempt to just be generally more positive. If you do have solution please send it to me.

Like many other things this blog has taken me 3 days to write, this paragraph is another attempt to fill the cyber void which exist around the world, with my nonsensical crap! Yay, go me! Since writing the first paragraph I have realised I have once again begun to procrastinate, its like a disease to be honest, once it takes hold you cannot stop it! LoL no you can, just need to work harder at trying to complete my work and keep at it. At the same time my picture per day has taken a slight setback, I do take the images but I cannot be bothered enough to post them everyday. Its a tedious task to everyday put it up, you know that’s just me being lazy, it doesn’t take that long actually. Will update my whole thing tomorrow and apologise to the people who may or may not check out the photo’s, like this blog, does anyone read it? Who truly knows. Got to keep on writing it though because its an excellent way to keep my handwriting skill up and also learn how to blog properly. Hopefully someone stumbles across it one day!

I have also recently bought a nice technics deck 1210mk5, I love it! Vinyl (not Urban Vinyl) sounds beautiful, it has also helped me to study more. You must be sitting there and thinking, how the hell does that work? Well with vinyl you cannot easily change the song or fast forward (well you can but might cause damage to the vinyl, which is a no, no, in my books!), this forces me to study and listen the whole vinyl before changing side. This means I am less distracted and less inclined to use my laptop, which was my main source of music and distraction. I am also loving the fact that now I can actually go into vinyl shops and buy some of my favourite music on vinyl and listen to the crackle of it! Yeah man, positive of what! My studying has also gone into a second notch, got to work harder, faster and quicker to ensure that my work is at the highest grade, I just can’t accept grades lower than a certain amount. You have to work hard to achieve the best you can and that’s what I want. So my friends, this is to me, the future and working hard. Take away maestro.